Moral Bucket List

Recently, some friends and I got together for our first "non-fiction" book club. All non-fiction enthusiasts, and all vehemently opposed to being forced to read anything in particular, we decided to structure our club where we each read whatever we want and then come to the club and summarize the book premise and information to others in the club,  encouraging broad intellectual discussion of the key concepts. The club format worked well and at the end of our discussion, I knew a lot more about the autistic brain and leadership.

Because I am an over-achiever, I chose two books to discuss at book club: David and Goliath by my intellectual dream-boat, Malcolm Gladwell and The Road to Character by David Brooks. They actually complemented one another quite well.

Gladwell's David and Goliath explores the idea that what we might perceive as our greatest obstacle in life is actually what sets us up for success. Being an underdog is exactly what we need to rise to greatness. Gladwell posits that the familiar biblical story of David and Goliath, where David, a small shepherd boy with no remarkable talent or skill defeats Goliath, a giant of great battle fortitude - is not what it seems. Perhaps it is true that God was on David's side, that a supernatural power and David's faith in the creator is what really defeated Goliath. Or perhaps it is that David used his talent (archery) and Goliath's weakness (lack of agility) to his advantage to defeat the giant.

I am a fortunate White girl. I was born in Canada to educated parents who cared for my every need. I went to post-secondary in Canada, received financial help from my parents and scholarships and graduated with a Master's level education debt-free. I married a brilliant and kind man who was also raised with all the opportunity afforded to him with his white middle-class status. He has a great job at one of the most successful companies in the world and we live in one of the hottest job markets on the planet. I am not an underdog. I have never been an underdog. For me to sit here and say to you that I "struggled" is an insult to all those who have actually struggled, by birth or by choice. It is not my intention to cast myself as an underdog in any way. The only tiny violins playing as soundtrack to my life include graduating with an arts degree in April 2009 - 6 months after the great recession and stock market implosion in fall 2008; and not being able to work for the past 2 years on my H4 visa status. So yeah, I get that I'm not an underdog in the "grand scheme" of things.

However, being on the H4 visa status for the past two years has been a challenge. It is difficult to feel like I have no purpose and no financial freedom from my spouse. It is emotionally taxing to have zero responsibility and it not matter one iota to the world if I get out of bed.

After reading David and Goliath and reflecting on the premise that sometimes one's greatest challenge can be one's greatest strength, it made me reconsider all the great things H4 visa status has allowed me to do. I don't need to go sit at a cubicle every day doing work for someone else's bottom line. I don't need to attend pointless meetings, drink bad coffee or eat food from a vending machine. I can put 100% of my effort into making life great for my family. My laundry is always done.

Perhaps the greatest part of being on H4 visa status is that I have had time to cultivate "karma". I have time to volunteer in the community, put a smile on the faces of strangers and help out friends. I have been able to fly home to take care of my grandpa when my nanny broke her hip and ended up in hospital for a few weeks. I have so much time to dedicate to the "bullshit" of everyday life that so often takes up entire weekends when working 40+ hours per week that I also have tons of time to live like Christ in my world and make life easier for others.

David Brooks, in the Road to Character, argues that we need to stop focusing so much on padding our resumés with experience and qualifications and focus instead on developing what he terms, "eulogy virtues". The truth is that when I die, whoever delivers my eulogy is not going to speak about my educational credentials, my knowledge of the Microsoft Office Suite, or the fact that I can speak French (at least I hope they don't!). My eulogy will hopefully speak to my virtuous qualities of the difference I made in the lives of others and not just a company's bottom line. I hope people say that I was generous and kind, that I made time for others, that I made them feel special. I hope they say that I was a loving wife, a caring mother, a supportive friend.

While on H4 status, it is so easy to focus on all the resumé experiences I am missing out on, to be anxious of the giant gap of time during which I am unemployed, which will make my resumé look bad to prospective employers once I finally can apply for jobs. However, reflecting on the Brooks' points in the Road to Character has helped me re-frame my time on H4 status. It is not wasted time. My time is not without purpose, it is repurposed towards a greater good. Instead of cultivating resumé virtues, I can cultivate eulogy virtues. I can build a strong network of friends. I can continuously strengthen my marriage. I can be there for my kid. I can go above and beyond for a stranger. I can lend a hand to charitable efforts.

I'm not an underdog, but being on H4 status has had its challenges. Reframing not being allowed to work from "this sucks" to "look at all the good I can do in the world" has helped enormously with my mental health.

The Tipping Point, the Ice Bucket Challenge, and Epidemic Fundraising

A few weeks ago, I had a cold. Being pregnant, this meant I could take basically no drugs to reduce symptoms and my immune system is crap, so I was still sick by Day 10. Yes, I'm complaining, but I shouldn't really be complaining - because I was able to leisurely read 3 books and cancel all adult plans. It will probably be the last cold for 18 years that I have the luxury of only needing to take care of myself.

So yeah, I got to lay in bed, make my husband do the dishes and shopping, and I wheezed and coughed through Wallflower by Drew Barrymore (see post), Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin (see upcoming post), and The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.

Review - The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell

I think Malcolm Gladwell is one of the few people I'd invite to my "dead or alive dream dinner party" along with J.K. Rowling, Margaret Mitchell, Tom Hanks, and my grandmother; and I know that if I ever actually met him, I'd fangirl so hard he might write his next book on the power of celebrity.

The Tipping Point is an exploration of how and why things go from being something only a few people care or know about to something that everyone knows and cares about.

Gladwell argues that there are three rules to epidemics: They have to be spread by the right kinds of people (Connectors, Mavens and Salesmen); they have to be memorable (or sticky); and their environment matters (context is important).

Now, I'm a little late to The Tipping Point party. I was 13 when The Tipping Point was first published, so I was more interested in buying Airwalks than reading about their meteoric rise through powerful marketing. But these three rules of epidemics still seem to hold true a decade and a half later.

Remember the Ice Bucket Challenge? Did you do it? I'll admit that I didn't do it...But I was fascinated by the reach of this simple scheme and as an example of what all fundraisers and non-profit sector workers aspire to...epidemic fundraising. 

The Ice Bucket challenge raised $15.6M in a matter of weeks for the ALS Association, a charity that funds research and support for people who suffer from Amytrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) (also known as Lou Gehrig's disease). The previous year, the organization only raised $50,000. That's an increase of 31200%! It was an epidemic. You couldn't look at Facebook without being confronted with dozens of videos of your friends being doused in ice water, or rants about the severe California drought and how wasteful the Ice Bucket Challenge was, or ethical questions about how much the ALS Association spends on overhead, or recommendations of where you should donate your money instead. Everyone was talking about it. 

So does it have the three rules of epidemics that Gladwell outlines in The Tipping Point?

The Law of the Few

Gladwell argues that in order for something to reach a tipping point and become an epidemic, it has to be spread by the right kinds of people: Connectors, Mavens, and Salesmen.

• Connectors are those who know a lot of people. They move in and out of multiple social groups. They enjoy meeting new people and sharing information with the people that they know. 
• Mavens are the people who know a lot of information. They might have a personal interest in knowing everything they can about a subject, so people know that their recommendation carries a lot of validity. They are not interested in persuading others - they present the information at face value and others can take it or leave it.
• Salesmen are those who have the ability to persuade others to take a particular action. They have energy, they are enthusiastic, they are charismatic, they are charming. People want to please them. 

So who started the Ice Bucket Challenge, anyways?

Bring in Pete Frates. Pete was a baseball player who was diagnosed with ALS in 2012. The disease has taken away his ability to speak as well as most of his motor functions.

In July 2014, Pete posted this to his Facebook account:

I think Pete is one of those rare people, who in the case of ALS - is a connector, a maven and a salesman.

As a former baseball player, his network included Boston Red Sox players and other celebrities, who he then nominated for the Ice Bucket challenge (connector). As someone who suffers from ALS daily, he knows better than anybody what living with ALS feels like, and if he says ALS and ice water are a bad mix - then he must know what he is talking about (maven). And just watch his video. Pete may have lost a lot of his motor functions to ALS, but with his coy eyes and heart-breaker smile, he is adorable and exudes a relaxed charisma (salesman).

The Stickyness Factor

Gladwell argues that in order for a message to spread, it has to be memorable, or sticky. Videos of one's friends or favourite celebrities dumping ice water on their heads and seeing the shocked expressions on their faces is definitely sticky. Watching the video is memorable, and drives us to watch more videos of others doing the same thing. 

via GIPHY

The Power of Context

In a world of increased connectivity and a dozen different ways to share information - how that information is shared matters. In July 2014, Facebook had approximately 1.2B monthly users. Pete Frates didn't upload his Ice Bucket Challenge video to Youtube - a more traditional venue for hosting personal videos. He didn't post it on Twitter, a more traditional venue for tweets from and to celebrities. He chose to share it on Facebook - the venue with (arguably) the highest social capital in the online social networking world. Additionally, six months prior, Facebook had added an autoplay feature for videos in users' newsfeeds. Users scrolling through their newsfeeds didn't even have to click play to see their friends being doused with ice water. These videos were hard to avoid, and the context of Facebook multiplied the reach of these videos.

via GIPHY

Another way the power of context played into the Ice Bucket challenge is that the timing of the campaign was perfect - beginning mid-summer when people were outside, enjoying the hot weather, relaxing, having fun and up for something a little silly. I don't think this campaign would have worked as well had it been back-to-school time or in the lead-up to Christmas.

Lessons Learned for Epidemic Fundraising

The summer of the Ice Bucket Challenge was the summer I began a Master's degree in Philanthropy and Non-Profit Leadership at Carleton University. Many of my classmates worked in the non-profit sector and many of our discussions throughout the fall semester centered on the "hows" of the Ice Bucket Challenge. How did it start? How did it catch on? How can it be replicated?

So how can we draw on the Ice Bucket Challenge to inspire our own non-profit fundraising efforts?

First, we have to make sure we tell the right people about our message. At every non-profit, there are volunteers or supporters who are passionate about and inspired by the mission. These are the mavens - and it is important that they know and are inclined to share your important message with their connector friends. If connectors think what their maven friend is sharing is cool - they will take it and spread the word to their many social circles and so your message widens. Your non-profit volunteer pool might also include some connectors. Are there any individuals who have brought their friends along to volunteer with them? If so, make sure these people know what you're doing.

Second, in fledgling non-profits, we too often appoint our friends to the board without much consideration of what the individuals bring to the table. Far too often, I hear of non-profits who struggle with getting their Board of Directors to fundraise and spread the word about the non-profit. Boards may be filled with people who want the name recognition of sitting on the board but with none of the responsibility. People who feel obligated to help out their friend, but who maybe aren't as passionate about the cause. Or perhaps even a board of directors completely lacking in Connectors, Mavens or Salespeople. I believe these personalities and communication styles are critical to have on the centre of the board if you want the word about your non-profit to spread and the fundraising dollars to come in.

Third, our messages have to be well-defined and memorable. Do we even know what we're asking people to do? Do we ask for "support", taking whatever we can get in terms of funding, volunteers, Facebook likes and event participation? Or have we defined what we need and asked specifically for it?

Another fundraising campaign that has stuck with me for years is Smile Train's "Donate to Opt-Out" campaign. In this campaign, Smile Train mailed out requests to 800,000 households, but on the outside of the envelope was stamped, "Make one gift now and we'll never ask for another donation again."

This approach to fundraising was radically different, as any other time I've responded to a direct mail with a donation - I ended up with my mailbox filled with further requests and a gift of return address labels complete with the non-profit's logo.

Brian Dearth, Chief Marketing Officer for Smile Train said, "We provide free surgery to cure children of cleft palate that is permanent. So this is a way for us to convey that permanence. We provide donors with a similar opportunity to make a permanent change and be done with it."

This campaign aligns nicely with their mission and in a world where we are bombarded by requests - the thought that donors could opt-out of all future requests for donations was sticky. It set Smile Train apart from other organizations. Smile Train was memorable.

Last, it seems there are an endless number of ways to get the message out there. Facebook, Twitter, Google +, Linked In, Pinterest, Instagram, direct mail, phone calls, billboards, website updates, newsletters, emails - the options are overwhelming. Yes, it is possible to do them all - but does it risk diluting the message? In the cases of the Ice Bucket Challenge and Smile Train's Opt-Out campaign - both organizations stuck with one context - the one that would be the most effective at delivering the message. I think it is important to consider what it is we are trying to communicate, who we are trying to reach, and the most appropriate tool.

It is not possible for every fundraising campaign to reach a tipping point into an epidemic - humans only have so much capacity for information and only have so much money to give. By virtue of one campaign trending in the national consciousness, others will fade into the general buzz of the information galaxy. But, I do believe it is possible to set your campaign up for success by mimicking these rules of epidemics and carefully crafting a tipping point.

I secretly/not-so-secretly love celebrities...

I have a guilty pleasure. I love following the lives and careers of celebrities. My husband doesn't get it. He's like, "you don't know these people...why do you care?" But I can't help it. It gives me pleasure to read about their lives - even if what I'm reading has zero basis in reality.

In my defense, I don't follow every celebrity. I don't buy People magazine or read PerezHilton.com. I don't care a hoot about the Kardashians (nor do I have any idea of why they're actually famous); but, I do search Taylor Swift in Google news almost daily, just to see what she's up to. I follow a few celebrities on Instagram: Taylor Swift (obvi), Selena Gomez (mostly for the Taylor Swift updates), Calvin Harris, Lena Dunham, Kacey Musgraves, Rebel Wilson, Amy Schumer, Neil Patrick Harris, and Drew Barrymore. My Youtube "suggested for you" content is almost exclusively interviews on late night talk shows with the above mentioned celebrities plus Jennifer Lawrence, Emily Blunt and Tina Fey.

I'm not sure why I care, or why I find their posts or what they have to say interesting. I just do.

So when one of the celebrities I pseudo-stalk writes a book about her/his life - I will read it.

During my sick week in bed, I tackled Drew Barrymore's book Wildflower. It was an easy, fun, engaging read and really humanizing of her "celeb" status and made her just seem like a normal person that I could be friends with.

I found myself feeling very sad though as I read her stories. She's had so many ups and downs in life and has really conquered a lot of crazy $h!t. And it really seemed from her writing that she is in a good place now - she has a loving family, dogs, a creative and challenging job - all things that make her really happy. And then, Facebook told me that trending now was her announcement about her divorce. I just felt really sad for her. I could dissect her book and find evidence of her unhappy marriage between the lines - but what the hell, I don't even know her. I have no idea, really, what her life is like, the problems. I just feel a sense of loss for her, because her book published in December, made it seem like things were finally going right for her - and she so deserved a happy ending. And now, no happy ending.

Is it weird to care that Drew Barrymore is getting divorced? I don't think so. I like to think that I'd empathize with anyone going through heartbreak, whether I know them or not; and that my ability to empathize with others is one of my better qualities.

Blogger Mary Carver brought up some really good points in her article for ForEveryMom.com. She wrote,

 "I think it’s a good sign for marriage if the end of one breaks our hearts. Even if we are a little starry-eyed and impractical in our longing for “happily ever after,” the importance we place on marriage – both the ones we know personally and the ones we see from afar – is a good thing. It means we care, that we haven’t given up, that we value marriage itself. [emphasis mine]

It also means we’re longing for role models, for evidence that marriage can last, that happy marriages aren’t fantasy. So instead of peeking at the pictures on the magazines as we stand in line at the grocery store, why not search out an older couple at church? Spend time with them as friends and let them mentor you. Learn from their lives together, from the way they have fought for their marriage over decades.

And maybe, instead of winding down with E! News or your favorite entertainment site tonight, take a few minutes to connect with your spouse. Spend time focusing on your own marriage. Don’t drift apart. Put each other first. Keep learning what makes the other one tick. Dream together. Laugh together. Maybe watch a movie together."

Good advice Mary. Good advice.

To Consult or not to Consult?

One thing that never fails to astound me in life is how so often I think that my interests are completely disjointed, and how the things I do for fun rarely seem inter-related or relevant to a productive career trajectory.

Lately, I've been thinking I'd like to try my hand at consulting, when I eventually get a green card and get a handle on motherhood. I even took out a book from the library called "Consulting for Dummies" of the Dummies Series, to try to figure out if a) I have what it takes to be a consultant and b) what I should consult on.

I think I do have what it takes to be a consultant. I'm a self-starter, I enjoy solving problems, I am comfortable reaching out to strangers with offers of help, I am creative, I adapt well to change, I enjoy working with people, I am motivated to see things through to completion. I am resourceful. I also think consulting will be a good fit for me once I get permission to work in the US because I'll  be a stay at home mom, and I can take on as many clients or projects as I can handle, while simultaneously juggling my responsibilities at home.

But what should I consult on?

Do I know anything that anyone would want to pay me for? I have no desire to do people's taxes. I don't know how to plan a garden. I'm not very good at programming. My knowledge of home improvement is limited to a flat head versus a Phillips head screwdriver... But one thing I know, is that I'm really good at making mind maps.

I know how to write. I can edit documents. In my years working as a Grants Officer, I read hundreds of grant requests, so I know what a successful funding application looks like. I've managed teams of volunteer musicians, learning about volunteer motivation and retention.

As my Master's thesis in social and cultural anthropology, I looked at fandoms and other common interest groups, learning about qualitative research methods and analytical techniques. Then, I completed a graduate diploma in philanthropy and non-profit management, becoming familiar with the landscape of the non-profit sector. Most recently I completed a certificate in business analysis because I found the subject matter interesting.

For fun I've done hundreds of hours of research into World War II history and 1940s feminism, distilling data collected from dozens of books into an easily searchable database all in the guise of "writing a novel", yet I struggle to write a single fiction scene for said novel (see My Fiction of Writing Fiction?). While I enjoy reading fiction, I am drawn to non-fiction titles on self-improvement, leadership, organizational culture and marketing.

I love talking to people about their lives and in the past year I have read three collections of oral histories. Throw me any psychological personality assessment test - and I'll tell you which type I am.

So where is that consulting sweet spot? I have two ideas, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts. What kind of consulting do you think I'd be good at? What would you "theoretically" pay me for?

My fiction of writing fiction?

A friend of mine, whom I haven't seen in a few years, but who I keep in touch with on Facebook, posted a status update last week:

I'm not sure what drew me to offer my friendship in this way...I mean, I do know that I love making goals and I'm good at keeping others accountable, so I know why I'm attracted to the role; but K and I aren't particularly close. But the lack of growth in our friendship is probably more a result of timing and the busyness of life of than compatibility. I've always wanted to know K better. I admire her patience and love and respect for her family. When I think of someone I want to emulate as a mother, and as a wife, I think of K. So I messaged K and said, "You might already have an accountability partner, but if you don't - I'd love to be yours".

We scheduled our first chat for later that evening.

We caught up on life. On friends. On family. Then we got right into it. Talking about our Big Hairy Audacious Goals (or BHAGs).

K knew her big hair audacious goal and had thought up daily objectives to getting herself there. She needed weekly check ups from an accountability partner to motivate her to achieve her daily and weekly objectives and follow the routine she had set for herself to schedule time for her objectives. I was impressed with how thought out her plan was, it reminded me of some of Robert C. Pozen's secrets to productivity I blogged about last year: 

Secret #1: Make sure your daily to-do list is aligned with achieving your highest priority objectives and career goals.

Secret #2: Figure out what the final product needs to be first - and then work towards it. 

Secret #5: Make sure your daily schedule allows you time to think and work on those high-priority objectives. If you don't schedule it, it won't happen. 

We were a partnership, so K was also going to help keep me accountable to my goals. So what were my goals? While K knew her BHAG, I hadn't thought too seriously about mine yet. 

I told K a few things I had on my wish list: 1) Going for a morning walk 2) Stop watching Gilmore Girls re-runs on Netflix 3) Finish the books I have on the go (this week's goal was to finish Malcolm Gladwell's the Tipping Point) and 4) Get back into blogging (see forthcoming posts). 

For my Big Hairy Audacious Goal, I had two in mind. One that I hadn't admitted or told anyone about except my husband, and another one that was kind of haunting me. I told K about the one that is haunting me: my "novel".

For about 8 years, I have had an idea for a historical fiction novel running around in the back of my brain. Inspired by my own experience cleaning out my grandfather's house after his death and learning, through love letters left behind, that my grandmother was his mistress for many years before he divorced his first wife. This initial inspiration has blossomed into hundreds of hours of research on World War II, Calgary between 1940-1950, 50s housewives, feminism, the experiences of veterans, and the Canadian homefront. Hundreds of hours of research turned into weeks of synthesizing and recording the data into a searchable database. And 8 years of work has resulted in about 12 pages of written fiction. Not very much.

I don't really understand why I have little desire to sit down and write the darn thing. All the research is done. The story is planned. Each character has a detailed description of their traits and a story arc they will follow through the novel. The hard part should be done, right?

So for the week, my goal was to sit down and think about my novel and just...look at it again. Not a very audacious goal, but it has led me down a rabbit hole, to say the least (more on this in my forthcoming post on consulting).

I brainstormed what the obstacles might be to writing the fiction I have so carefully planned out:

• "Write a novel" is too big of a goal. I need to break it down into smaller, more manageable chunks
• I struggle with creative fiction writing. I need to learn more about the craft by taking a course or reading more on the subject.
• I've planned it too much. The novel is already written in my head and is therefore no longer exciting to me to write.
• I am afraid it is going to be so terribly written and that I'll feel ashamed of it. I don't want to feel shame.

or the one obstacle that may be the most haunting:

• I don't really enjoy writing fiction.

Is that it? Has this entire exercise to "write a novel" been a "teach Heather that she loves doing research and synthesizing data...but doesn't love writing dialogue?"

And if that is, indeed, what I've learned - is that a reason to give up on it? It is, after all, only a project I've undertaken for fun. If it's not fun anymore, shouldn't I focus on other goals that are?

But then, the thought of quitting on a project that I've worked on so much already makes my stomach tighten. Is saying "I don't like writing fiction" just an excuse for fear of failure? What's a few hundreds more hours of writing to just get it down on paper, anyways? My stomach doesn't loosen with that thought either.

So what to do?

I've been reading Gretchen Rubin's book about habit formation, "Better than Before", and I wonder - maybe if I made an honest effort to schedule daily writing on my novel, (not work...no more research!) like Gretchen does with scheduling meditation, and then documenting my mood afterwards, I could determine if it's that I just don't like writing fiction - or that I'm just too scared to try.

So I'm going to try. I'm going to commit to 40 hours of fiction writing time over the next couple of months. I'm going to see if, after 40 hours, it still feels like pulling teeth, or if I actually enjoy the experience once I'm in the weeds of writing.

And with K, I'm going to explore my other Big Hairy Audacious Goal: a small consulting business. But that's a post for another time.

On Being a Housewife. Book Review: Homeward Bound by Emily Matchar

Dear Emily,

If you ever read this, I just want you to know that you have written the book I wish I had written. I am incredibly envious that you got to spend time traveling North America and interviewing people for this book. You wrote, what I consider, a masterpiece of cultural studies - not that I am any kind of expert able to bequeath the title, but I did write a cultural study of Harry Potter fans for my Master's thesis, so I have an idea of how much work went into this. I bow my hat to you.

-Heather

Now, without further ado, my review and thoughts on Homeward Bound, by Emily Matchar.

A few months ago, I filed my taxes with the IRS, which seems kind of silly, because I am not yet allowed the work in the USA (fingers crossed for that green card), but it's kind of a requirement and I'm terrified of American prisons. I had to fill out the "employment" field and I sighed. I told the accountant, "I have an H4 visa...therefore no employment". So he promptly filled in "housewife". Every hair stood up on the back of my neck. Like every single hair. But really, that is what I am. I'm married, I'm on a spousal Visa and I sit at home most of the day cooking and cleaning - so really, what is a housewife if not a wife who spends the majority of her time in the house? I am a housewife. I. Am. A. Housewife. The words weighed heavy on my mind.

Why does this word bother me so? Is it because I don't yet have children, so I feel embarrassed to be staying at home with very little responsibility? (yes) Is it because I was really looking forward to getting into a career in business analysis and that dream seems awfully distant now? (yes) Is it because my Barbies growing up had dazzling careers (Doctor Barbie, Business Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, Scientist Barbie) and there was no such thing as Housewife Barbie (well at least not in the 90s)? (probably).

I thought about this for months. I spoke with other H4 visa holders about their frustrations being forced housewives. Frankly, it was dragging me down, and all the negativity made me feel invaluable, useless and a general drain on society. So I started volunteering to bring groceries to isolated seniors and I volunteered to tutor a child in grade 4 in reading comprehension. I also decided that if I'm a housewife, then I am going to be the best damn housewife the world has ever seen. I went to the library and took out some books by Martha Stewart and stumbled upon Emily Matchar's Homeward Bound in the stacks.

Cooking some chicken, like a boss.

Now clearly, the title of best damn housewife the world has ever seen has already been crowned to Martha herself, and I became quickly discouraged. I don't want to spend my day vacuuming blinds, canning tomatoes I grow on my apartment deck, and making pillow mints. In fact, the amount of financial investment I'd have to make in order to be a "frugal housewife" was insane and I don't have anywhere to store massive bags of flour or a canning pot. I gave up on Martha and cracked the spine of Homeward Bound, and let me say, I was mesmerized.

I loved how Emily talked about all of the things that I was seeing with my friends who have had children, things I was seeing on Pinterest, blogs I was reading. For instance, mommy blogs, websites like Etsy or Ravellery, the overwhelming number of opinions on food I should put in my body.

I love how while she was exploring the positive things that have come from the New Domesticity (like keeping quilting alive), she kept a realistic tone much like my own - "Really?! This is a thing people actually do?"

Emily discussed some of my own misgivings about the wave of women leaving the work force and the guilt that I felt when, sometimes, I actually love staying home and having the time to cook nutritious meals for myself and my husband. Gradually I realized that my initial reaction to being called a "housewife" was because I felt it was a category for myself that I did not choose. I felt forced into the role because of my pending work visa situation, which to me resembles what women forced out of the work force at the end of World War II to become the quintessential 50s housewife must have felt.

In truth, being a housewife is a pretty sweet gig. It gives me the freedom to do a lot of the things that I love - read, write, cook, volunteer, but I wish I, like the women in Emily's book, had the option to choose when I want to take on this role as opposed to being forced out of the workforce due to federal immigration laws or having a baby (and the related, terrible, American maternity provisions).

I am grateful that my husband's job supports us both and that it allows me to help out others in need. To me, that is what modern housekeeping is all about - building a home away from home where I can welcome others into my life with open arms.

On Healing

At the end of May my husband and I were on our way to Petaluma, CA to stay overnight in a treehouse  that I found on AirBNB. I had been looking forward to it for months. One the way there, we decided to stop at McDonald's for some road trip fries and a bathroom break, but on the way into the restaurant, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk, landing with my entire body weight on my knee. Instant swelling ensued and I ended up in Urgent Care getting x-rays to see if I had broken my knee cap. Thankfully nothing was broken - I just had a bad knee sprain. 

The process of healing is reflective. I became acutely aware of how lucky I was to be complaining of a sprained knee that would heal on its own in a couple of months. What if I lost mobility completely someday and became reliant on a wheelchair? My husband and I also became very aware of the importance of our natural division of labour in our marriage. I do all the grocery shopping, all the cooking, all the bathroom cleaning. He makes all the money, takes out the trash and cleans the kitchen after I've made all the mess. Now, with me unable to even carry a glass of water to the couch (crutches are the worst!), my husband was doing everything - working full-time, cleaning, shopping, helping me with the most basic things...he was a stressed-out saint.

Perhaps the most frustrating part of the healing process is the unanswerable question "when will I be healed?" Google didn't even know. I had worked hard to get into shape and was proud that with my 5K Runner app, I was halfway to my goal and running 2.5 km. A few weeks later, my body felt heavy and weak. I was eating a lot of takeout to simplify my husband's life and I was angry with myself for stopping at McDonald's at all that fateful Saturday afternoon. Who needs roadtrip fries?!

At some point in my frustrated healing process, I decided that I needed to be kinder to myself. I wish I could write that it was a specific moment of epiphany, or that I was reading Hippocrates and said, "By God, he is right, "Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity" (emphasis mine). But that wouldn't be quite true. I can't remember what made me think it - but I decided that I needed to be kind to myself through my healing, treat my body like a temple, and if I had to start back at the couch when I began to run again, then so be it. 

I also decided I needed to be kinder to others. TBH, I mostly complained to my husband about how crappy it was that I was injured, instead of thanking him for every single thing that he did for me while I was injured. Once I was back walking with a minor limp, I began delivering groceries to isolated seniors in my community. This got me out of the apartment, walking and visiting with people whose mobility issues were long-term. It put my knee injury in perspective and I felt grateful that I'm only 28 and I will heal just fine, in time. Others do not have that luxury.

A couple of weeks ago I put on my running shoes and gingerly began running again. Sure, I could have started where I left off and ran 2.5 km my first day back just to prove that I could. Or, I could treat my body with respect and kindness and start off slow to make sure I didn't reverse all my patient healing. This morning I did my fifth run in the workout series. I'm nowhere near 2.5 km, but my knee doesn't hurt and I think that is the most important thing. 

Slow and steady wins the race, after all.

Fight Song - Rachel Platten