Because I am an over-achiever, I chose two books to discuss at book club: David and Goliath by my intellectual dream-boat, Malcolm Gladwell and The Road to Character by David Brooks. They actually complemented one another quite well.
Gladwell's David and Goliath explores the idea that what we might perceive as our greatest obstacle in life is actually what sets us up for success. Being an underdog is exactly what we need to rise to greatness. Gladwell posits that the familiar biblical story of David and Goliath, where David, a small shepherd boy with no remarkable talent or skill defeats Goliath, a giant of great battle fortitude - is not what it seems. Perhaps it is true that God was on David's side, that a supernatural power and David's faith in the creator is what really defeated Goliath. Or perhaps it is that David used his talent (archery) and Goliath's weakness (lack of agility) to his advantage to defeat the giant.
I am a fortunate White girl. I was born in Canada to educated parents who cared for my every need. I went to post-secondary in Canada, received financial help from my parents and scholarships and graduated with a Master's level education debt-free. I married a brilliant and kind man who was also raised with all the opportunity afforded to him with his white middle-class status. He has a great job at one of the most successful companies in the world and we live in one of the hottest job markets on the planet. I am not an underdog. I have never been an underdog. For me to sit here and say to you that I "struggled" is an insult to all those who have actually struggled, by birth or by choice. It is not my intention to cast myself as an underdog in any way. The only tiny violins playing as soundtrack to my life include graduating with an arts degree in April 2009 - 6 months after the great recession and stock market implosion in fall 2008; and not being able to work for the past 2 years on my H4 visa status. So yeah, I get that I'm not an underdog in the "grand scheme" of things.
However, being on the H4 visa status for the past two years has been a challenge. It is difficult to feel like I have no purpose and no financial freedom from my spouse. It is emotionally taxing to have zero responsibility and it not matter one iota to the world if I get out of bed.
After reading David and Goliath and reflecting on the premise that sometimes one's greatest challenge can be one's greatest strength, it made me reconsider all the great things H4 visa status has allowed me to do. I don't need to go sit at a cubicle every day doing work for someone else's bottom line. I don't need to attend pointless meetings, drink bad coffee or eat food from a vending machine. I can put 100% of my effort into making life great for my family. My laundry is always done.
Perhaps the greatest part of being on H4 visa status is that I have had time to cultivate "karma". I have time to volunteer in the community, put a smile on the faces of strangers and help out friends. I have been able to fly home to take care of my grandpa when my nanny broke her hip and ended up in hospital for a few weeks. I have so much time to dedicate to the "bullshit" of everyday life that so often takes up entire weekends when working 40+ hours per week that I also have tons of time to live like Christ in my world and make life easier for others.
David Brooks, in the Road to Character, argues that we need to stop focusing so much on padding our resumés with experience and qualifications and focus instead on developing what he terms, "eulogy virtues". The truth is that when I die, whoever delivers my eulogy is not going to speak about my educational credentials, my knowledge of the Microsoft Office Suite, or the fact that I can speak French (at least I hope they don't!). My eulogy will hopefully speak to my virtuous qualities of the difference I made in the lives of others and not just a company's bottom line. I hope people say that I was generous and kind, that I made time for others, that I made them feel special. I hope they say that I was a loving wife, a caring mother, a supportive friend.
While on H4 status, it is so easy to focus on all the resumé experiences I am missing out on, to be anxious of the giant gap of time during which I am unemployed, which will make my resumé look bad to prospective employers once I finally can apply for jobs. However, reflecting on the Brooks' points in the Road to Character has helped me re-frame my time on H4 status. It is not wasted time. My time is not without purpose, it is repurposed towards a greater good. Instead of cultivating resumé virtues, I can cultivate eulogy virtues. I can build a strong network of friends. I can continuously strengthen my marriage. I can be there for my kid. I can go above and beyond for a stranger. I can lend a hand to charitable efforts.
I'm not an underdog, but being on H4 status has had its challenges. Reframing not being allowed to work from "this sucks" to "look at all the good I can do in the world" has helped enormously with my mental health.
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